Mixtape Dreams

Still giving me goosebumps after three decades

My youngest daughter and I are driving home on a six-hour road trip. We’ve played apple music for a while and now I’m ready to hear the radio, even if we’re unclear on the stations. Static. Commercial. Country. Wait. Stop. The drumbeat builds. The calendar jets me back to the nineties. Dolores’ voice enters and I’m back in my tiny bedroom, the rattle of the elevated train shakes my legs. My finger slides up the volume of my boom box.

“Leave this on,” I tell her. “I love this song. It reminds me of when I met your dad.”

She’s watching the farms roll by at seventy-some miles an hour.

“Wow. If I closed my eyes right now, I’d be back in my apartment on Sheffield.” Nostalgia, like a favorite old sweatshirt, is pulling me back.

I know I felt like this before
But now I’m feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person falling here is me
A different way to be

“Don’t close your eyes Mom,” she jokes.

I smile at her. “Obviously.”

“It’s crazy. It was when we met, and he was with someone else. I didn’t want to date him if he was with someone else.” My skin prickles. The feeling of anticipation, new love, I remember.

I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
And they’ll come true
Impossible not to do
Possible not to do

“Your dad made me a mixtape. It was 1994. And this song was on it. The whole tape was like a confessional. Rescue Me from Madonna was even on it. I remember being so confused. I didn’t want to be the other woman.” Dread weighing in my gut. I’m in love with someone I can’t have. What if this doesn’t work out? Almost thirty years and this song still brings me there.

And now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don’t hurt me
You’re what I couldn’t find
A totally amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You’re everything to me

“So what happened?” she asks.

“They broke up. We started dating.” The guitar beat is steady. “We got married. All of you happened.” I smile at her.

Oh, my life is changing everyday
In every possible way
And oh, my dreams
It’s never quite as it seems
’Cause you’re a dream to me
Dream to me

“Your dad is always on me for squirreling away my treasures. The cassette tape is long gone but I kept the case. Years ago, I put all the songs on my iPod. I’m so glad I did. I love this song.”

Source: Musixmatch

The Cranberries, Dreams

Songwriters: Dolores Mary O’riordan / Noel Hogan